Flawed Duality

Here I am, tired of hiding behind the shadows and thinking of excuses whenever I’m asked why I missed a class. It’s like living a double life, only I don’t get to wear fancy clothes and drive smoking, “fast and the furious” famous sports cars and carry to die for gadgets. I have manic depression and because no one knows about it I have to always put up a front and be cheerful and happy because when I’m not, friends wonder what has gotten into me and worse, get mad and we’d end up not being friends anymore. I’m not writing this to get sympathy. I’m writing this because as I said I’m tired of lying. I’m tired of pretending to be alright when I feel so broken.

Do I resent it? I sometimes do. When I’m in my MD state there is a big possibility that I will (accidentally) lash out at a friend and they’ll: (a) get confused, (b) get hurt, or (c) get mad and retaliate. I can’t choose what’s worse because if they get confused then I get hurt and wonder why it seems that I have no right to be snooty, snobbish or ill-tempered?!?! If they get hurt, I’d end up feeling guilty even if I know I cannot control myself. And if they get mad and retaliate I end up losing friends. It’s a no-win situation for me and it only aggravates what I’m feeling. When I calm down, I realize that I can’t resent them. They don’t really know what I have or if they do, they don’t truly understand what it is. I’ve tried explaining it to a few friends, telling them the truth instead of lying and the reactions I get are either of the three: (a) they don’t text back, (b) they change the topic (c) they ignore me until I talk to them again or (d) reply “ok” and ignore me.

What is MD? I don’t want to go all medical so the simplest way I can put it is when I’m in the height of my mania I go through an unusually happy state and confidence worthy of Simba after Rafiki talks to him and after fluffy cloud Mustafa gently reprimands him. It’s akin to a sugar-rush only it doesn’t last for a few minutes or hours for me. Mine could last for a month or two and then comes nothing. The abruptness of it takes me by surprise and I get confused, disoriented, restless, and easily irritated and annoyed.  I cry for no reason at all, I cannot sleep because my body won’t let me and I lose interest in everything (yes, even eating). All that’s left is a hollowness and helplessness within me. The worst of all is I cannot control my emotions and my mind is useless. I can’t focus. It’s very scattered and my memory could rival a person with dementia (no offense to those with relatives afflicted with it).

I always say I am not nice because the truth is, how can I believe in my supposed goodness when every once in a great while my MD strikes and I turn into a bitch? It’s me but it’s not quite me. And living a life that is teetering on a delicate combination of simplicity and unfathomable complexity is not exactly what I have pictured for myself. People wonder how I always go out of my way to help them when they’re down because the answer is far from what they could imagine. I help them because I need them more than they need me. I am passionate about animals because I need them. It’s not only because I like animals or that I’m nice. In my state, being needed and knowing I can be of help despite my “disability” is very important. It gives me a sense of purpose and peace; a balance in my mostly unbalanced life.

If my illness has taught me anything it is to be sensitive of other people’s feelings. To be more understanding and kind because I know how it is to be ignored and misjudged. To realize that out there, there will always be someone with a bigger problem, bigger sorrow. To know that life is hard but that is life.

It always boils downs to perspective. If you let something be a curse then it will. It will drag you down and you will always feel sorry for yourself, an eternal victim. But if you let it work towards your advantage by trying-struggling-to see the good in it then eventually you will be able to rise above it and be stronger and wiser. Fact is we can never control what will happen to us. Our decisions are ours and through perceptiveness we can at least get an idea of the consequences of our actions but there will always be events that we can never predict. Life’s surprises which could either be good or bad. All of us will experience both of it; it can neither be all good nor all bad. And when we’re hit with a bad surprise; cry, yell, swear; feel sorry for yourself and even withdraw from life but never wallow in it. Rest, but don’t rest forever. Rest until you’re strong enough to fight again.

I have MD. This is me. I let it run my life sometimes but I don’t let it define who I really am. It’s just a part of me that I have to accept and work on. And maybe people will see that if someone who can’t control her emotions and can’t rely on her mind for the better half of the year still has the strength to fight-to have hope that everything will be better soon-then they will realize that there is nothing they can’t overcome. This is my cross and I choose to fight. What about your cross, what do you choose?

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2 thoughts on “Flawed Duality

    • Yeah, it was a hard decision to reveal what I have because I didn’t want people to take pity on me. In the end, I knew after all the misconceptions I’ve heard that this had to come out. If only more people with MD would share what they experience, then everyone, hopefully, will finally have an understanding of Manic Depression. Manic depressives will finally get the understanding they very much need from family & friends.

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