I feel like such a fraud. I don’t know if I really have a talent in writing or not. Before, writing was my life. I’d write every second of every minute of every day but now I’d go days and weeks and even months without writing.
Sometimes, I feel like my writing is only connected to my Bipolar. I used to be prolific in writing whenever I was having my attacks. I’d have no trouble writing a poem or an essay. It just came to me. Now, I have to work doubly hard to come up with something to write. I’m not used to it and that’s what’s making me think if I’m a talentless hack or not. What used to come to me like oxygen to my body is now like a super hard nail embedded in wood, too hard to take off.
Because of this I’ve actually stopped applying to and accepting writing jobs. I did this last year but while doing this, there was always the fear gnawing at the back of my mind as to how long I can do this until the juices stop. Until I can’t write anymore. Until now, I’m so scared that what if they give me a topic and I can’t, for the life of me, write?
The writing process for me has never been so hard nor complicated. I just always wrote, the same way I just breathe. Not thinking about it but just doing it. Sometimes, reading what I wrote afterwards, I felt like I was possessed. That someone took over my mind and body and wrote. That’s how one I was with my writing. It’s been a while since I felt it. I miss writing so much.
I have a suspicious feeling my going to law school did this, along with aggravating my Bipolar attacks. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed law school, especially Criminal Law, but it made me pay a price that was so high. It changed me in ways I didn’t anticipate nor expect. It took away my passion and self-love. Now that I know though I can proactively work towards being me again, only better. With this in mind, I look towards the future with excitement and hope. Maybe I’ll even get to write that book I’ve been meaning to write. I just have to work on it. Like many other things.