UNMASKED is now available at Centralbooks (www.central.com.ph), Sulitbooks (www.sulitbooks.com), Blink (www.blink.com.ph), and at Facebook (www.facebook.com/genevievelvwisen) by sending me a private message. Grab your copy now! ^_^
all that is left
is a hole
is a bustle
How can you
the war being waged
When all that
is a pit
a merry celebration
can you explain
I can’t even
Have you ever been to hell while alive? It’s like waking up from a deep slumber but instead of feeling well-rested, your head is swimming in constant emotional and mental turmoil. It’s being born again with all the misery and hollowness in the world put inside you and you feel like bursting any moment. Your mind is a jumble of mismatched wires and your heart is beating but you feel lifeless.
I have Bipolar II which means I have more manic depressive episodes than high or elevated moods. More often, I sleep the whole day because I feel like my energy has been drained but there are also times when I am restless and can not sit still or stay in one place. There are times when I am overly excited or happy and have grandiose plans regarding my life, and life in general. Other times, I shop compulsively. I am sometimes the most pleasant, enjoyable company you will have, and at others I am the most obnoxious, sarcastic bitch in the room. I am prone to suicidal tendencies and hurting myself. More so to feel something than to deliberately inflict pain on my being. I have Bipolar, not insanity.
Many an article both here in the Philippines and abroad have featured suicides due to depression and others wonder how these people could do it. What on earth possessed them to end their life, to give up just like that? As someone who have thought of killing herself on more than one occasion, I may not be able to speak for everyone but this I know to be true: the misery within, the silent plea for help when we don’t even know if we want it or not, and the conflict between losing & finding ourself are all too great a burden that all we want to do is end it. End the chaos plaguing us, for it is a plague, a never-ending plague that only settles but never leaves.
Sad to say, only a few people with Bipolar get the much needed support and unconditional love from their family and friends. On my end, I am not criticizing any friends – nor family – I have but they do tend to ignore me when I am in my manic depressive mood. Others even have the gall to ask how I am doing when it is obvious how exactly I feel. I guess it’s because they do not know. They do not have the slightest clue of the conflict I am battling every single moment of my life. They have their depressive episodes but that will be gone in a few days or week while mine stays. It is a constant in my life. Except for my husband, I am almost always left alone where the feelings of guilt and worthlessness magnify into a thousandfold.
In a way I am guilty of my Bipolar blossoming. I nurtured it you see. From the throes of slight depressive episodes until the depths of a dark bottomless pit, I have watered it until it thrived. You ask what made me do it? Not because I wanted to be in the lowest hierarchy of humanity where pity is constantly on its feet but because I am a writer.
As much as I have Bipolar, I am self-aware and it did not take me long to realize that I write a whole hell of a lot better when I am in my manic depressive mood. It is in my darkest, most primeval, and volatile state when I become in charge of all my faculties – literary at least. In these moments, nothing can stand between me and my thoughts. I am then compelled – summoned more like it – to put pen to paper where all my thoughts gush out, like a faucet opened on full power. It is when I write to my full satisfaction where my brain and heart literally race and tumble over words. I do not know how many people with Bipolar experience this but it is during these moments that I am in bliss. I feel like I am me again – no, I AM me again. My pathos is also my salvation.
Some people might think it but no one ever wants to be mentally ill. No one. But it is something I, and a hundred or maybe thousands of people, have to deal with everyday. I have it not because I am weak. I have it not because I have a flair for the dramatics. I have it not because I am pessimistic. I have it simply because I do. It is a fact and nothing can ever change that. The agony, the tiring ups and downs of my emotions, and the constant feeling of drowning and emptiness is mine and mine alone. Understanding Bipolar will take time but if people put in a lot of patience coupled with dedication then one day, the stigma that is Bipolar will be broken. Then, people with Bipolar like me will be seen as caring, strong, and thriving members of our community – not as weak, cry babies with whom others always have to be on edge with.
I can see the light. It is not that I, and the others, choose to be in the shadows. It is because I need my family and friends to make that light reachable for me, especially in moments of anguish. Yes I need help, but sometimes, I still wonder if I really do. I need patience and understanding, not scrutiny and judgments. One day, I know it will happen.
UNMASKED is not just about someone dealing with Bipolar Disorder, it’s also a story of hope. Of how a person can spiral so low but still manage to fight against the turmoil and find one’s self. It is everyone’s story of trial and tribulation, how going through the hottest of fire can make us stronger and wiser if we hold on long enough and refuse to give up.
Hi everyone! I guess by now you have seen my static page, but if not and you just clicked this post from your email then you can somewhat guess what I mean by the title!
Yes, my poetry novel, UNMASKED is finally available! You may purcahse them at central.com.ph, sulitbooks.com, or through me by sending me a private message at my FB page. If you’re going to purchase the book through me, I’ll throw in a free mini bookmark, a thank you card, and a cow plushie but I must warn you, you won’t pay for the book but you will pay for the shipping if you are living abroad. The reason for this is the shipping is unfortunately more expensive than the book itself thus the freebies. On the practical side, I guess it’s better to just purchase the book on either of the two sites.
Thanks for all your support! I really appreciate it. I hope you’ll grab a copy of my book and enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it. ^_^
Hi everyone! Although I have only been absent for a month, a lot has changed since then. As they say, change will always be the only constant thing in life. What has changed so far, you ask? There’s really been only one but it’s a big one. Way back in July, I found out I was pregnant. Yup, barely 3 months into my marriage and I was already going to be a mom after nine months. That brought on a barrage of mixed emotions. I was scared, nervous, shocked, happy, and a bit excited all at once. My husband was, to say the least, surprised as well. Since then, all my plans for selling and marketing my book, updating my blog, and working on my other books all went out the window as I struggled to accept this development. Five months into my pregnancy I am still nervous about being a mother, the big question that bugs me is if I will be a good enough mom to this precious bundle of joy especially since I am not ready (let’s face it though, who can say they really were?). But I have come to accept the way my life keeps turning out, full of surprises, love, and laughter. It definitely makes life colorful and worth living so I wouldn’t have it any other way.
One of the drawbacks to this pregnancy is I can’t take my bipolar medications so I have been having attacks for the past few months, luckily with my husband by my side, I can manage it most days. Another thing is, I have found myself not being able to write anything – not even a single stanza of a poem for my second book. Hence, the absence here.
Patience is the key though, I know as with all the other times I have suffered from my manic attacks and writer’s block that I will bounce back. Stronger than before. So this is me, trying to bounce back slowly but determinedly. I can’t wait to update my blog again and finally sell my poetry book UNMASKED. I hope you guys didn’t get tired waiting for me.
Talk to you again soon,
Hi everyone! Just wanted to remind you that there is only 13 days left before the Book Giveaway Raffle comes to an end. Don’t forget to join everyday to double your chances of winning 😉 Good luck and God bless! ^_^