Tag Archive | don’t give up

Chasing the Dream

Ever since I can remember I have only had one dream and one dream alone – to do nothing but write. Since graduating college, I’ve had trouble looking for work only because I sometimes did not feel like working at all as I felt that it will interfere with my writing. I actually tried to start my own magazine company to be able to do what I loved to do but it fell to the wayside as my intended business partner wasn’t that much interested. Nonetheless, I kept dreaming – of being able to write most of the time, if not all of the time.

In line with this dream, I pursued a career in the publishing world and finally landed a job as an Editorial Assistant – a dream job that let me write to my heart’s content. Unfortunately, it ended in a year since I had to go to Law school. Far, far from my dream; I know but that’s an entirely different story will go into next time. Anyway, I stopped writing for a while during my stint in Law school. Though there was a point during my stay in Law school that I was able to write a poetry book. Granted, it didn’t sell much but I was ecstatic. Sure, I had doubts if I was really meant to be a writer but I secretly held on to my dream. Stubbornly, you may say.

I know being a writer doesn’t pay much but I don’t really live for the money, necessary as it is. I live more for my passion for writing. The writing that lights my soul to blazes and gives me an indescribable contentment I have never known – at least career wise. Through my years of pursuing this dream, I have tried to write as much as possible, entered writing contests when I can, and even make outlines and deadlines for my planned novels. But nothing seemed to be working. I was stuck. More than 20 years since high school and I have nothing to show for my writing. Still, the passion for writing has never left my side. If at all, it has only kept burning brighter and brighter.

Until now. 18 years since I tried to start my own magazine business, I have finally landed my dream job. A job my soul has been longing and aching for. I am finally, at 39 years of age, an Editor-in-Chief. The biggest dream job anyone with the passion for writing could ever want. Now I can finally do what I’ve always wanted to do – to write all the time. With the added bonus of brainstorming articles with my team and editing other people’s articles. I guess you can say, I got my little slice of work heaven.

So, why am I sharing this with you? I guess I just wanted to let you know that if you have a dream, never give up on it. Never stop believing that it will come true. Undoubtedly, there will be hindrances and road blocks but instead of disheartening you, if you’re dream is big enough, it will just make you more resolved to make that dream come true. Every dream is worth pursuing. Especially one that burns your soul and keeps you wanting for more. If you have the kind of passion for something that engulfs your whole being, follow it and never stray from that path. Sure, you will have your doubts. Everyone will. But the difference with the passionate people and people who half-heartedly want something is that whenever the doubts come, passionate people do not let it derail them. Sure, it will make them want to give up but only in thoughts. After a while, they will get up, shake the dust off, and go back on the path towards their dreams again. Be that person. Dream big, have courage, and pray. Someday, it will come true just as long as you work hard enough and never let go of your dream. Also, believe in yourself.

Go on, chase your dream. Dream big and have courage. Dreams really do come true, sometimes it just takes a while so be patient and stay on the path. And whatever happens, never, ever give up.

The Phoenix

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I live
in
a world
of darkness,
despair,
hopelessness;
shadows
lurk
behind
every corners
negativity
threatens
my soul;
but
hope
refuses
to die
its light
battles against
the wind;
try again,
maybe this time
is
a mantra
I determinedly
cling to –
I get
knocked down
but
I
will not
stay down.

I will
rest,
I will
sit,
I will
heave a sigh,
I will
breathe deep;
tomorrow
I will
rise again,
tomorrow
I will be
reborn.

Flawed Duality

Here I am, tired of hiding behind the shadows and thinking of excuses whenever I’m asked why I missed a class. It’s like living a double life, only I don’t get to wear fancy clothes and drive smoking, “fast and the furious” famous sports cars and carry to die for gadgets. I have manic depression and because no one knows about it I have to always put up a front and be cheerful and happy because when I’m not, friends wonder what has gotten into me and worse, get mad and we’d end up not being friends anymore. I’m not writing this to get sympathy. I’m writing this because as I said I’m tired of lying. I’m tired of pretending to be alright when I feel so broken.

Do I resent it? I sometimes do. When I’m in my MD state there is a big possibility that I will (accidentally) lash out at a friend and they’ll: (a) get confused, (b) get hurt, or (c) get mad and retaliate. I can’t choose what’s worse because if they get confused then I get hurt and wonder why it seems that I have no right to be snooty, snobbish or ill-tempered?!?! If they get hurt, I’d end up feeling guilty even if I know I cannot control myself. And if they get mad and retaliate I end up losing friends. It’s a no-win situation for me and it only aggravates what I’m feeling. When I calm down, I realize that I can’t resent them. They don’t really know what I have or if they do, they don’t truly understand what it is. I’ve tried explaining it to a few friends, telling them the truth instead of lying and the reactions I get are either of the three: (a) they don’t text back, (b) they change the topic (c) they ignore me until I talk to them again or (d) reply “ok” and ignore me.

What is MD? I don’t want to go all medical so the simplest way I can put it is when I’m in the height of my mania I go through an unusually happy state and confidence worthy of Simba after Rafiki talks to him and after fluffy cloud Mustafa gently reprimands him. It’s akin to a sugar-rush only it doesn’t last for a few minutes or hours for me. Mine could last for a month or two and then comes nothing. The abruptness of it takes me by surprise and I get confused, disoriented, restless, and easily irritated and annoyed.  I cry for no reason at all, I cannot sleep because my body won’t let me and I lose interest in everything (yes, even eating). All that’s left is a hollowness and helplessness within me. The worst of all is I cannot control my emotions and my mind is useless. I can’t focus. It’s very scattered and my memory could rival a person with dementia (no offense to those with relatives afflicted with it).

I always say I am not nice because the truth is, how can I believe in my supposed goodness when every once in a great while my MD strikes and I turn into a bitch? It’s me but it’s not quite me. And living a life that is teetering on a delicate combination of simplicity and unfathomable complexity is not exactly what I have pictured for myself. People wonder how I always go out of my way to help them when they’re down because the answer is far from what they could imagine. I help them because I need them more than they need me. I am passionate about animals because I need them. It’s not only because I like animals or that I’m nice. In my state, being needed and knowing I can be of help despite my “disability” is very important. It gives me a sense of purpose and peace; a balance in my mostly unbalanced life.

If my illness has taught me anything it is to be sensitive of other people’s feelings. To be more understanding and kind because I know how it is to be ignored and misjudged. To realize that out there, there will always be someone with a bigger problem, bigger sorrow. To know that life is hard but that is life.

It always boils downs to perspective. If you let something be a curse then it will. It will drag you down and you will always feel sorry for yourself, an eternal victim. But if you let it work towards your advantage by trying-struggling-to see the good in it then eventually you will be able to rise above it and be stronger and wiser. Fact is we can never control what will happen to us. Our decisions are ours and through perceptiveness we can at least get an idea of the consequences of our actions but there will always be events that we can never predict. Life’s surprises which could either be good or bad. All of us will experience both of it; it can neither be all good nor all bad. And when we’re hit with a bad surprise; cry, yell, swear; feel sorry for yourself and even withdraw from life but never wallow in it. Rest, but don’t rest forever. Rest until you’re strong enough to fight again.

I have MD. This is me. I let it run my life sometimes but I don’t let it define who I really am. It’s just a part of me that I have to accept and work on. And maybe people will see that if someone who can’t control her emotions and can’t rely on her mind for the better half of the year still has the strength to fight-to have hope that everything will be better soon-then they will realize that there is nothing they can’t overcome. This is my cross and I choose to fight. What about your cross, what do you choose?