Tag Archive | future

Future (Un)Tense

As far as I can remember, I’ve always lived in the present, never thinking about what may be. All that changed when I got married and had a child. Suddenly, I get cold sweats, worry frowns, and anxiety attacks when sudden thoughts of the future permeate my consciousness. It’s not even on purpose. I’m just sitting there, minding my own business when “wham!” “bam!” thoughts about the future invade my mind and crush my soul. There’s no delicious release in sight. It’s just one overwhelming anxiety after another.

I don’t know what it is about the future that I dread so much. Well, I guess not having a stable job and a savings account would do it but it’s not like it’s too late. I can still remedy those things. I think it’s more that I have a child whose future highly depends on my present actions. The constant question, “Will I be able to give him a good future?” looms over my being. I guess it’s the fear of the unknown. I have always thrived on planning and knowing what’s going to happen but the future is a whole new ball game. It’s so dark and murky and that’s why it’s so scary. Also, the fact that all our decisions and actions in the present affect our future. Who knows how my future will turn out because of what I did in the present. Add to that the fact that I have a child who I want to give a bright future to. Pressure much.

I guess it wouldn’t be that bad if I had a stable job and savings but right now I’m so up to my head in debt that I live from paycheck to paycheck, as most people say. Having a glimpse of the future would help ease my fear but then again wouldn’t the future change when I change something in the present? The future is anything but certain. Scratch that one out, I guess.

Right now, I’m holding on to God and trying to change my lifestyle so eventually I will have some savings. I hold on and pray that it is not too late to save my future, God willing. Hope is all I have and I will cling to it with all my might. That, optimism, and action.

Being married and having a child changes a lot of things, especially your outlook in life. So, before it’s too late, especially if you’re still single, do yourself a big favor and SAVE. Sure, living in the moment is fun but life is not always only about fun. It is also about stability and responsibility. Try to balance having fun with those two and you’ll have a nice future. Your future self will thank you.

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Never Alone

It was all so sudden. Aileen still feels like she is in a nightmare.

“May God welcome him into his kingdom…” Fr. Valdez looked sober enough while saying those words but was all those true?

Memories of the past flooded her mind. They were coming home from the grad ball. The sky was sparkling with stars; the wind was warm enough to excite the senses but had a bit of a chill for some cuddling with that special person. It was one of those nights that people read in books and watched in movies.

Next week was the graduation but it was not the only reason why her spirits were up. That night, under the diamonds of the sky, Jeff proposed and she accepted.

She wanted to decline at first but looking in his eyes she saw her future and all else faded. This is her destiny. Then, in a horrid twist of fate, she was robbed.

“Why did he have to arrive at the exact moment we made a turn?” Aileen wondered aloud. Her voice was full of hatred and tears welled in her eyes.

“It was that damned drivers fault. Him and his damn truck and damn alcohol.” Aileen said as she absent-mindedly beat the gravestone with the flowers she brought. Hopelessly, she lay next to it and tenderly traced Jeff’s name.

Tonight was the same night as last year but now, she’s alone. All alone with no one to comfort her. Weeping silently, she gazed at the stars twinkling brightly at her. She hated those stars; their seeming cheerfulness feels like they’re mocking her.

Suddenly at the corner of her eyes she saw something different. It glowed brighter than the rest but something in it seemed to comfort her. It felt like it was watching over her as if it were her very own star.

“The north star,” a voice behind her said.

Aileen carefully stood up and smiled at Mang Pedro, the cemetery caretaker.

“The north star is the brightest of all the stars,” he continued. “It doesn’t sparkle that much but it offers comfort to those in grief.”

Aileen stared at it, feeling hope surge through her for the first time since the tragedy. “Could it be my star?” she shyly asked. “My guiding light?”

Mang Pedro smiled sympathetically and lightly touched Jeff’s gravestone. “It can be anything you want.” Winking, he turned around and headed towards his cottage.

Aileen sighed and looked back at the once nameless star. She still feels empty inside but the star was starting to warm her heart. She knew now – she will never be alone again.